Break 3 – George Carlin on ‘it all’

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens. [brief pause] See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don’t see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen… ’cause chickens are decent people.

Religion has actually convinced people … that there’s an invisible man … living in the sky … who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, ’til the end of time! … But he loves you! … He loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, all-wise, but somehow – just can’t handle money!

Try explaining Hitler to a kid.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Break 1 – Bill Maher’s best on Religion

If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that’s one of those services that goes along with paying in. I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

“Religion” is a magic word that allows priesthoods to do anything they want to people. The Taliban kept their women in beekeeper suits. The Catholics got away with fucking kids!

They say Islam means peace, and I know to hundreds of millions it does, but it is also a religion that was born a conqueror. From the death of Mohammad in 632 to the Battle of Tours in 732, the army coming out of the Arabian desert “converted” half the world in a only one hundred years, and you don’t do that by handing out flyers and singing “Kumbaya.”

The Catholic Church needs to change its name to Tollhouse Cookies. A new study reveals the tally of Catholic priests who’ve been accused of molestation in the United States is approaching 5,000, which means it’s time to change the name and start over. That’s what Phillop Morris did when their name became synonymous with lung cancer – they became the good people at the Altria company. Kentucky Fried Chicken wanted you to forget the “fried” part and beame KFC. So how ’bout it, Roman Catholic Church – or should I say “RCC”?

In bible there are the words: “I am the way, the truth, and the life: and no man cometh unto the Father but by me.” Not a lot of wiggle room there. Put that next to “There is no god but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet,” and it’s pretty much “pick a side.” One lane open on the highway to heaven.

I don’t believe God is a single parent who writes books.

Image courtesty – archman8 , otterfreak