I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens. [brief pause] See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don’t see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen… ’cause chickens are decent people.
Religion has actually convinced people … that there’s an invisible man … living in the sky … who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, ’til the end of time! … But he loves you! … He loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, all-wise, but somehow – just can’t handle money!
Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
